Short Stories, Long Odds

“The attendees were generally very happy with the celebrities and elected officials that appeared. There’s no question that the extensive 6-hour free program presented by DemocraticGain and RockTheVote which included the likes of Biz Markee and Laryn Hill was enjoyed by all.

It is unfortunate that scheduling conflicts did not allow the Clintons to attend, but there were several opportunities to hear from elected officials and this week should provide the public with many opportunities to see the Clintons and other members of the Democratic party and hear them speak.”
- Josh Grossfeld, DemocraticGAIN

Once Biz Markie was done with us, the entertainment for the evening slowed down quite a bit. Diana and I decided to try and see where our bracelets would get us, and that turned out to be “everywhere” for at least a while. The only downside was that nowhere was really as cool as the VIP room up the stairs, and no one was really hanging out in there.

We were on our way down to the dance floor and a young female Democrat grabbed my wife’s ass as she passed by, which was excellent on several levels, especially since she had assured me that I would be the one getting hit on that night.

The natives were already getting restless and it was barely midnight; half-hearted chants of “We Want Bill” would start and die on the floor like some pathetic engine. Diana commented on the fact they seemed to be unable to commit to their raucous drunken chant and I agreed. Bill had not shown up yet and the joy in Mudville was starting to look endangered.

There were some more DJs, and then this other band took about an hour and a half to set up. The word in the crowd was that this was Lauryn Hill’s band, and that they would be accompanying Bill as he melted our faces off with a kick ass sax solo. I had my own doubts about Bill showing up, since I had learned the disparity between the star Democrats’ schedules had been causing no small amount of irritation and inconvenience all night. I did not spread this around because I am a professional.

“Oh, he’s definitely coming.” I said to the Young Democrat student representatives from BC and other assorted colleges. “To doubt that Bill will show up would be to doubt the veracity of the party! Besides, they’ve closed off the VIP area now, because Bill is on his way.”

This was half true. Security had apologetically not allowed me back upstairs to the drink-bins and easy bathrooms because of a fervent security event.

“Bill is coming! He’s coming!” said one security detail member. “Tra la!” he added.

“The Rolling Stones are here!” said another. This latter turned out to be true, as far as I know - but they never came downstairs.

So at this point (around 1:20 am) I’m fully drunk and beginning to wonder where all the celebrities are. I’m also beginning to wonder why all of the DemoKids are getting so pissed off about the fact that Bill Clinton hasn’t shown up yet, and probably won’t.

“Fuck this!” shouted one guy, wearing a Fleet Center pass. “At least I’ll get another tax cut in 2005!”

“Whoa, cowboy!” I said. “You’re on the team here. You guys are trying to save the country. Are you really going to give up just because Bill’s a little busy during the Democratic National Convention? I mean, shouldn’t he be?”

“Who the hell are you?” he asked.

“Josh Berthume, from DamnTheMan.net. Can I get a quote on how you’re quitting the job and why?”

He vacated the area. This is another important lesson I learned. Once you get a few drinks in a politico, they’ll talk about anything you want to talk about and usually get pretty spirited, especially if it deals with public policy; the more drunk they are, the more severe and sweeping their judgments become. But the second you say you are with someone, even if it is a nebulous publication / website they’ve never heard of, they immediately cover the Name portion of their badge, lose all the color in their face, and run away like you just attempted to shiv them.

At any rate, the mood was uneven. The kids were happy and enjoyed the party and there was some general disappointment about Bill not showing up but that seemed to pass for most people. Not all, but most. The “most” category seemed to include all of the actual Convention attendees and workers. The people who seemed the most upset were the volunteers and the students - I’m not privy to all the work they’ve been putting in for the last few weeks, but I think this ultra-exclusive event and its star guests were a reward, after a fashion, and it didn’t turn out exactly the way it was promised.

1:45 am rolls around and there is finally motion on the stage - Lauryn Hill’s band has been playing for about 20 minutes and she joins them on stage with a quarter of an hour to go. She sings one song, which is all she has time for, and then the party is over. The older crowd filters out almost immediately, talking amongst themselves and looking as if they have had a really excellent time. They are, for the most part, not surprised that the Clintons did not show up.

I’m not surprised either, frankly. In a wide, wide Democratic field of superstars, Bill Clinton is the equivalent of the Beatles, Elvis, and Christ all rolled into one man. Anyone who watched his speech on Monday night will agree with me wholeheartedly. If you don’t believe me, watch some of the coverage and see if you can spot the men and women among the Delegates OPENLY WEEPING. Clinton is a reliquary and within him lies the great and terrible knowledge of how things were before everything got so strange and demented with Washington in the hands of the wrong people. If Roosevelt got four terms, Clinton could crown himself Glorious General For Life and no one at the Fleet Center Monday night would have thought twice about it, save for Hillary.

This means that Bill is busy. Gore separated himself from Clinton in 2000 and that was a mistake. It wasn’t his fault: politically, it really seemed like the only viable option and I’m sure he had his cadre of 24-35 year olds telling him to stay away. But the Democratic party was different then, for some reason still carrying the shame of the Eighties around their necks like an albatross, for some reason still gunshy against any sort of character indictment from the GOP. Its as if the Republicans carried scepters imbued with Reagan’s essence and he watched from Santa Barbara like an angry, judgmental God, ready to impugn his will upon the Democrats for any sort of transgression.

Today things are different. When Terry McAuliffe met me, I told him I was a big fan of his work. He said “Well thanks, it’s a whole new Party,” and this is more true than most people realize. Not only does the Democratic Party have a depth uncharacteristic for American politics in general, we have a sense of unity now not unlike the one the Republicans have been browbeating us with for two generations. Theirs comes from a smug moralistic self-righteousness that they wear with pride like a cheap suit on Prom Night. Ours comes from the overarching feeling we have of being backed into a corner in a life-or-death situation. It is unfortunate that unity had to come in such a package for either side, but this is how it is.

So Bill is busy, because he’s stumping for Kerry, the whole party finally and for once unified behind an idea: the idea of fixing things. Bill is busy appearing at events geared both to the Democrats and the general public, because every time Bill shows up anywhere he gets at least 10 votes for the Democrats they wouldn’t have gotten without him making the appearance, and probably more. Bill is busy because the Democrats have deployed him like some sort of Charisma-Delivery Missile System; after failing to utilize him in 2000 they don’t want to fuck up like that again. It is possible Bill was too busy to show up at Avalon because the Party needed him somewhere else more than they needed him to preach to the converted.

So some college kids missed their chance to see Clinton up close and personal, and a few of them were upset. Heather from Boston College told me that Bill is her idol and she’d been racing from event to event all day to just try and get a look at him. However, none of kids seemed totally disappointed with the Avalon party in general, which was pretty hot. Everyone seemed energized by the speakers and ready to kick ass and take names for the next three months.

As Diana and I were leaving we ended up in some totally bizarre debate with a Libertarian, one of those “Backbone” people, and a guy from North Carolina who talked with a Brooklyn accent and was apparently a Neanderthal Republican. This latter GOP rep called my wife a Dixie Chick for being from Texas and she was very sensibly offended. Seeing that our previous residence would do nothing to help our argument that this isn’t the year to try and turn our political party system into France’s, I hailed a cab.

P.S. Robert Smigel and Triumph were outside, having apparently been barred from entering the party. The publisher of Spin Magazine was also there. I introduced myself to him as the editor of damntheman.net, and he said “Great” and turned towards Smigel, trying to get his attention. After figuring out it was more or less a recruiting pitch to appear at events in New York for Spin, Smigel and Triumph turned to me. “Who are you weeth? Damn de Man?” Triumph asked. The guy from Spin looked defeated and walked away. Smigel had never heard of us and he isn’t a reader, but he did give me this quote:

Man, I would love to hump Hillary’s legs.
- Triumph The Insult Comic Dog, 25 July 2004