Short Stories, Long Odds

Day 1

• Jimmy Carter - It was interesting to hear Jimmy Carter rip into anything, especially at this convention which has more or less been geared towards not ripping, tearing, bashing, or rending. I hear even some party insiders were surprised at how negative he went. I’m not really sure I care, because I love Jimmy Carter. His speech was pretty good but his delivery was hampered by old.
  Grade: B
• Hillary Clinton - Sweety, we know you didn’t get to give as much of a speech as you would have liked. Yes, it was potentially a disaster for the Party that they went to at least some trouble to rectify. You make it worse when you joke about it. The ten seconds you used for your “practically speechless” line could have been better used, and instead you reminded us of something negative.
  Grade: D
• Bill Clinton - I don’t what else can be said about this cat. He effectively disarmed the GOP’s ability to respond to his crushing criticisms of their economic policy by including himself as a rich guy that benefitted from it. The only possible downfall to this is a GOP ad asking why he didn’t just give his extra money to the government, but that would be foolish and ill-advised. Attacking a rock star always is.
  Grade: A
• Terry McAuliffe - I actually witnessed this:
  Terry’s aide: “Don’t yell, watch your voice, okay?”
  Terry: “Sure thing.”
  (Terry goes out on stage)
  Terry: (immediately starts yelling)

  Aside from his voice sounding a little rough, Terry has done better than some of the featured speakers as far as actual public speaking goes.
  Grade: B+

• Al Gore - I wanted more screaming, didn’t you? The parts where he chuckled it up were cute and everything, but I really wish he’d had more sack in 2000, so we could be re-electing his silly ass. I Grade: B
• DNC Credentialed Bloggers - Most of the blogs eat it. Let’s be honest. I’ve read some really poor writing about nothing, some decent writing about nothing, some poor writing about something, but only a few blogs have consistently good writing about consistently interesting things. I don’t want to hate on anyone (as I am, after all, a professional), so I’m just gonna link to the good ones:

  Daniel Rubin
  Centrist Coalition
  Opinions You Should Have
  National Journal
  Dave Pell
  Mathew Gross

  General DNC Blogger Coverage Grade: C+

Day 2

• Benjamin McKenzie - Hey look, its the kid from the OC - a show all of the smart people I know watch for no obvious reason! I can’t argue with his message, in that he wants young people to vote. His jokes about Bush were also not bad. I will not show him the rough side of my tongue because of his show’s vapidity. For an actor with no previous political stumping he seemed to do pretty okay.
  Grade: C+
• Performance by Peter, Paul and Mary: “Blowin’In The Wind” - What the shit is this? DNC, you couldn’t dig up Joan Baez or Bob Dylan? Dylan will take money for anything nowadays - didn’t you see his Victoria’s Secret Model Hostage TV spot? They look like they broke out of the home and got busker’s licenses.
  Grade: D-
• Tom Daschle - I’ve joked about Tom Daschle being unexciting before. I may have even called him “Snoozefest McGhee”. Last night, his oration literally knocked my ass out for an hour. He instigated a nap so powerful that despite my having the TV up really loud, I slept right through Dean and some of Obama. Imagine how upset I was. Damn you, Tom Daschle, and your Vocal Sleep Rays.
  Grade: D
• Dick Gephardt - I had a friend within the Gephardt campaign, and she affectionately calls him “Geppie”. I’ve always liked Gephardt, even way back in ‘88 I liked him, and I was only 9. He’s a good politician with good ideas, and his speech was, I thought, really good. Too bad none of the unappreciative bastards in the hall realized that they were in the midst of the Really Good. Good speech, poor control of the crowd. Tie goes to the runner.
  Grade: B
• Howard Dean - I love Howard Dean. I think he’s a badass, and among the superstars in the Democratic galaxy, he’s one of the biggest. His speech was decent but it was sort of uncharacteristcally fluffy. Of note concerning the language of his speech: the antecedents and consequents in Dean’s language were mostly personal - I, me, my, etc. This in balance against the much smaller amount of inclusive language (we, us) should be noted as good politics. Some people will tell you this is Dean pushing his own agenda, but they are wrong - his speech needed to be mildly exclusive in its language so the Deaniacs could feel as if they were finally being folded into the rest of the Democratic party they did so much to energize. Dean scores with smart politics, and the Music Supervisor of the DNC wins the Semiotics Sign / Signifier Pair Award for Dean’s exit music: “We Are Family”.
  Grade: A
• Ted Kennedy - How can you not get excited about Theodore delivering a speech to his hometown crowd? You could remember 1988, I suppose. A lot of us young Democrats ask the old Democrats “Hey, why hasn’t Ted ever become President?” and the old Democrats just look sad. He was the Senator who would be king, but instead he’s become a venerable institution in the Senate and its a better legislative body because of him.

  His speech, however, didn’t really juice my stones. It could have been his delivery or his cracking voice, I’m not sure. It could have been the speakers he’s competing with, but who cares? He’s Teddy Kennedy and he kicks ass.

  I’m still docking his grade though.
  Grade: C+

• Ron Reagan - Dear Ron, get off your ass and help us. You will make an awesome Democrat. You will be our secret weapon against the remnants of your father’s administration. The Bombs-N-Jesus Crowd will weep as you claim your place among us. It’ll be just like a kung-fu movie, where Rumsfeld was your father’s student, and now his master is gone but the prodigal son returns to do battle…
  …ON A FIERY ROOFTOP

  Do it. Do it, damn you.
  Grade: A

• Teresa Heinz Kerry - I get it, you’re smart. Stop gibbering at me in foreigner!

  On a more serious note, I kind of like her. I admit, its based entirely on “Shove it”, and even more on her reticent refusal to apologize for it. To know that she was interested in civil and human rights before she became mind-warpingly rich also helps my opinion of her. She should have talked on Monday though, or tonight. Her speech was just a little too calm to be where it was in the line-up.
  Grade: B+

• Barack Obama - Are you there God? Its us, the Democratic Party. After years of brutal punishment and the inability to organize ourselves you blessed us with a firebrand like Howard Dean, a reincarnation of Clinton in John Edwards, someone actually electable in John Kerry, a progressive voice in Kucinich, an excellent party leader and brilliant strategist in Terry McAuliffe, a Republican that’s on our side in Wes Clark and a rallying point in George Bush. We don’t know what we did to deserve these blessings, Lord, and certainly we don’t what we did to deserve Barack Obama, the Home Run Holy Hand Grenade of blessings, but thanks. We’ll try not to pooch the deal in the next 12 years or so.

  Signed,
  The Democratic Party
  Grade: A+