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Things the RNC has taught me so far: Day 2

August 31st, 2004 Josh Berthume No comments
  1. Arnold should not say “homeland”
  2. Arnold should also not say someone is “terminating” something. Seriously, its like wearing the shirt of the band you’re in.
  3. Arnold should also not say “girly-men”. See #2
  4. The reason Jenna Bush looks so freaky is because she looks just like her dad.
  5. I don’t know who was writing the twins remarks, but why in the hell would you wicked burrn your own fucking grandmother in front of everyone?
  6. Some questions answer themselves.
    Me: Damn, which one of the twins keep laughing like Beavis, and where the hell did that come from?
    Diana: I dunno. Probably Jenna.
    (Five minutes later)
    Laura Bush: huh huh, huh-huh.
    Me / Diana: Oohhhhh.

  7. People wearing elephant hats look totally silly.
  8. Accusing someone of telling “True Lies” is more confusing than derogatory. Arnold.
  9. I hate to keep going after Arnold, but who let him bring up Nixon? John Wayne was obvious, Reagan was expected, but Nixon?
  10. Last night? Showtunes? Ron Silver?
  11. Nixon, for God’s sake?
  12. Leadership is not about polls, but in a democracy leadership is supposed to be about the will of the people,

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Categories: General Election Tags:

What a mess

August 31st, 2004 Josh Berthume No comments

Things are getting hairy in Washington and abroad these days. Allow me to update you on a couple of stories.

A few days ago, I reported that Russian airliners had crashed, that eyewitnesses had seen explosions, and that the Russians were keeping mum on what was going on, initially ruling out terrorism. Well, now it appears that the crashes were incidents of either terrorism or horrible baggage handling, because traces of explosives have been found on both planes. Putin released a statement concerning the black boxes, saying that they had been “switched off almost immediately.” The situation is further confused by the lack of claims of responsibility.

This situation will obviously continue to develop, but a primary question in the minds of anyone interested in the affairs of countries other than the United States should be “Why was the Russian government and State media so quick to rule out terrorism when it reeked of malfeasance in the first place?”

Adding to international peccadilloes, Israel may have had a spy at the Pentagon. The Israeli press is up in arms about the whole thing, comparing this case to Jonathan Pollard. Since I know next to nothing about the Pollard case except what his website tells me and that the Israeli press is using it as a comparator, I’ll refrain from commenting on it specifically, but it may be useful in the future for you to know that possible Israeli espionage was examined in the 1980’s.

Now, in the world of geopolitical ramifications, the connection between Israel, Iraq, and Iran often gets over-looked when we talk about the Iraq War. As I said nine days ago, Israel and Iran hate each other. Israel and Iraq also hated each other. It is worth mentioning that a major fear during the buildup to the current Iraq War was not that Saddam would nuke or biologically attack the US stateside but rather that, seeing that he was on a one-way train to Totally Fuckedville, would bomb the shit out of Israel.

Additionally, it is tough to forget that Iran and Iraq hate each other. A lot. For those of you that truly don’t pay any attention to world history or international affairs, Iran and Iraq spent the 80’s in a shooting war, actively invading and trying to kill each other.

So ever since that war and especially since the death of Khomeini, Iran has been a country unable to get a foothold in any international situation. A million people died in the Iran-Iraq conflict and it created millions of refugees to both sides. A necessarily secret political blending began to occur which has, since the capture of Saddam Hussein, resulted in situations like Najaf and players like Muqtada al-Sadr, who was a cleric X-treme by even Middle Eastern standards and while he operated in Iraq, he took his cues from… Iran?

Its true. al-Sadr’s number one homeslice (and the guy who convinced him a messianic return was imminent) is one Ayatollah Kazem al-Haeri, who vacated Iraq in the 1970’s and makes his home in Qom. He has spent most of his life, both political and physical, fighting for an Islamic state in Iraq. He’s a Shiite, as is al-Sadr. Iran is overwhelmingly Shiite and the majority of citizens in Iraq are Shiite with strong minorities of the Sunni Muslim and Kurdish varieties.

Not to sound terribly alarmist on the side of Israel, but let’s not forget that Allawi is also a strong Shiite Muslim who was also in exile, just like al-Haeri. In July, Allawi made it clear that no steps would be taken to establish or normalize a relationship with Israel without the rest of the “Arab Leadership,” including Palestine.

So, here we are, on the cusp of what some people call “Mid-East destabilization” and what I like to refer to as “OMG THEY’RE ALL GONNA GET ALONG NOW”. Getting along normally wouldn’t be bad, but Iran and Iraq getting all friendly in the power vacuum the extraordinarily secular Saddam Hussein left behind is probably not good news for most people, and you can bet your ass that Israel is right at the tippy-top of several TO-DO lists. Hussein funded Palestinian suicide bombers, but he probably just did that for fun. These new guys really mean it.

So the US and Israel have been allies for a long time, and all of a sudden the United States does something potentially very dangerous to the tenuous position Israel has held in the Middle East for the last 40 years or so. It doesn’t seem that way to begin with but any sort of consideration (and especially the ability to see into the future Giuliani purports Bush to have) would have revealed that even if the invasion was an inexorable event in a series of such events, Allawi or any similar and feasible appointees would spell trouble for Israel.

The moral of the story is – why is anyone surprised that Israel would have intelligence agents operating in the Pentagon? If I were Israel I would certainly be involved in at least a smidgen of statecraft, just to stay in the loop concerning the United States’ seeming inability to understand that the Middle East breaks down to “Israel” and “Everyone Else That Hates Israel.”

See? A mess.

On a final note, I was never given a name to go after like I asked for. This probably has to do with the distinct possibility that you, dear reader, barely care enough to read what I write and not much more. That’s fine, because at least you read. Bill Gertz never responded so I guess I’m just going to have to pick another chuckleface to go after.

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Its so cute, they learned how to make videos

August 30th, 2004 Josh Berthume No comments

I kind of feel sorry for the Republicans, because their convention is about the most uncool thing I’ve seen on TV in years. I know that has no actual political importance, but it really is like some sort of school assembly presentation where the principal enlists the 38-year-old geometry teacher to “get hip and break it down verbally with the kids.”

Seriously, a video of GHWB with the RNC band vamping on the chorus from Van Halen’s “Jump” in the background? I think there was a star wipe in there.

Oh, oh and Dexter Freebish! They uh… ohh good. Dexter Freebish.

I also like that the convocation was given by a black Muslim from Harlem. The RNC is really pushing the idea that they care about you, minorities and religions other than White Judeo-Christianity. Here is the truth: they don’t. Soon they will be back to treating you like poor people again. I notice they haven’t handed the microphone to any bums and let them conduct delegate interviews.

Hastert was apoplectic with bad jokes earlier, calling the DNC the Boston Tax Party, and accusing Kerry of wanting to raise taxes on “the job creators”. This is more or less true but his jowls made it sound a lot worse than “rich people will have to pay taxes on par with the rest of us.”

Annnnnd finally, George Bush claimed on the Today Show that the War on Terrorism is not a war that can be won. Here is a letter from me to the Democrats:

Dear Democrats,

You’d better pound that fucking quote into the ground. Here’s your chance to play the Republican game and not look like assholes, so don’t blow it.

XOXO,
Josh

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Categories: General Election Tags:

Hide the liquor – hottentots on the loose

August 27th, 2004 Josh Berthume No comments

J Berthume: http://news.bbc.co.uk/go/click/rss/0.91/public/-/2/hi/south_asia/3601030.stm

imacowboymonkey: so let me see if i can distill this, and you tell me if i’m reading it right, k?
J Berthume: okay

imacowboymonkey
:
idema: hey rummy, i’m gonna hunt down terror suspects and hook up car batteries to their balls.
dod: okay, but but we think you shouldn’t
idema: cool, call you thursday
dod: happy hunting

J Berthume: Yeah. Except I’m pretty sure in there somewhere the DOD sent them the battery
imacowboymonkey: that’s uh… that’s bad times

J Berthume: It probably was more like
idema: I’m gonna go Weapon X style on ragheads
dod: sweet. but we don’t know where you are, especially if you get arrested by the afghanis
idema: ha ha! you guys crack me up
dod: we’re serious. here’s your per diem but we don’t know what you’re up to or who you are
idema: you guys are such kidders! bye!
dod: uh, we aren’t kidding
idema:
dod: hello?
idema: (dial tone)
dod: oh my cock.

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Categories: War On Terror Tags:

This is how Rolling Stone felt about HST

August 26th, 2004 Josh Berthume No comments

The American media hasn’t covered this very much. The potential for the DoD to look bad has been enormous from the start. I mean really, what better way to get around human rights violations than by sending a team of ex Special Forces guys to the Middle East and letting them run amok? AM I RITE?

So, after first denying any knowledge of Idema and his team and then admitting they took a prisoner from him (who later turned out to be innocent and was released), the DoD began saying they never had any contact with them.

Today, however, the Pentagon admits to having been in contact with Idema and his team several times, although the admission was full of qualifications.

The obvious question is “Where the hell is the American press? The DoD knew about what these guys were doing, dealt with them for prisoners, and they never tried to stop the nasty shit these guys were up to?”

Of course not. And where is the American press? Maybe I should write some letters.

I have an idea. You guys tell me who you want me to challenge with this idea, and I’ll do it if it can be done.

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Categories: War On Terror Tags:

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