Short Stories, Long Odds

This is another throwback that almost got published but then didn’t. The strong local Boston color lets you know who it was for.

Boston Winter Rental Kit
Price: $3,999
Description: Simulates the fun of trying to get out of your lease by finding new tenants for your apartment in Malden in winter.
Hazards: When you drop the price to avoid eating five month’s rent, becomes compatible with Stabbers! Orange Line Activity Set

Diagnosis Roulette
Price: $14.99
Description: Gaming fun for the whole family! Spin the wheel to find out what you have!
Hazards: You have health insurance, right?

I Can P(l)ay! – The Berklee Bachelor’s Degree Program
Price: $100,000
Description: Navigate your way through “higher education” at one of America’s “most prestigious music schools!” “Bachelor’s Degree Desktop Publishing” software included. Instruments, ability optional.
Hazards: Watch out for “Mean Ol’ Department of Education” and “Degree Plan Restructuring” cards. May make players unable to ever buy a house.

“Tricycle Man” Big Wheel
Price: $34.95
Description: Now your child can tool around the Back Bay on a big tricycle and honk to his / her heart’s content! Includes Jaunty Red Flag and Change Bucket!
Hazards: HOOOOONK! HONK! HONK!

Theo Epstein Internet Fantasy Baseball
Price: $9.95 / month
Description: Imagine that you just generally managed your way to breaking the Curse! The Sox Win It All! Now, manage your budget and player contracts on through the next year and try to bring it home again!
Hazards: If you fuck this up, you’re gonna get nailed to a tree.

Constitution Station
Price: $39.99
Tagline: A place to imagine the greatest of liberties.
Descriptions: Children can spend hours and hours dreaming up a land of free, or home of the brave and bringing it to life with included Independence Clay.
Hazards: May cause delusions of actual freedom for broads, queers, and minorities

The Great Cambridge Hipster Hunt
Price: $22.75
Description: Look at all these hipsters! They are sad, because all of those new, big, franchise businesses that opened in Harvard Square the last few years have closed down now! Give them something to really cry about! Includes Bat
Hazards: Sense of satisfaction from skullsmashing may become overwhelming.

ALCOR Ted Williams Deep Freeze
Tagline: Keeps your meat, Meat
Price: $111,000
Description: 9 foot long steel cylinder filled with liquid nitrogen keeps up to 300 lbs of meat frozen solid.
Hazards: Some settling with other contents may occur. Undead body of Ted Williams may animate, drink all the booze



Stabbers! – The Orange Line Activity Set
Price: $19.99
Description: Comes with Sweat Pants, Section 8 Certificate, Shiv
Hazards: Children may act like everyone else on the Orange Line.

I tried every day for three months to convince my editor at Boston’s Weekly Dig that I needed to write a social commentary / politics column for the paper. He never took the bait, and I understand why – I was still kind of green, and the sort of stuff I write about doesn’t always fit the tone of the book.

I was, however, still a little miffed when after telling them several stories about my Grampa when he had come to visit Diana and me in Boston, my editor thought it would be great to give him a column.

“That’s pretty funny!” I said. “What’s the title of my column gonna be?”

“Questions for Grampa.”

“You guys aren’t kidding, are you?”

So we did a test with Grampa – we solicited questions from around the office and then I called him and asked him the questions and transcribed his answers. After this I immediately became convinced that it would be blockbuster hit, bigger than that shit the guy from Savage Love spews out – but then the paper got bought and things never materialized.

So it doesn’t go to waste, here is the test we did with Grampa for the appropriately named “Questions for Grampa”:

Grampa: (chuckles) it is now, but it wasn’t when I was in there. We took em all out there and set em on the boat and set em adrift. Even our commanding officer. We didn’t have many. This one time, when we crossed the equator, it was time to join Neptune Rex, and they shaved all our heads, painted us blue, and beat the shit out of us for three days.

WD: Question 2: Grampa, my boyfriend has gotten kind of frigid lately. I can’t figure it out. He used to be an animal and now he’s literally begging off with headaches.

Grampa: Get a new chick..

WD: No, this is a girl and her boyfriend…

Grampa: Ohhh, I see, well, what do you call that thing they use with the batteries in it? A vibrator! Yeah! Get the bunny rabbit! With the batteries! A good one to the $64 dollar question over there in the South Pacific, the captain asked this guy, “What’s the difference between a woman and a battleship?” and he says “I dunno, I’ve never been on a woman with anything less than 21” guns. Hell this battleship has only about 900 6” guns.” The captain says, “Give that man his $64.”

WD: Question #3: Where do babies come from?

Where do babies come from? Huh, from their momma. Mmm. Well, you know the difference between Joe Louis and Santa Claus? They both have colored balls.

The one time this old girl at the bar told me she had a tattoo of a mouse on her leg. I kept looking and looking and she kept raising her skirt higher and higher. Finally I said “I can’t see it!” and she says “Oh, hell, my pussy must have ate it!”

WD: Question #4: Grampa, I live in a neighborhood full of college kids and one of them puked on my car last night. What should I do?

Grampa: One of em puked on your car? Was it a girl or a boy?

WD: I dunno.

Grampa: Give her a dose of crotin oil if you can find out who she was.

WD: Crotin oil?

Grampa: Yeah! It make you shit over the moon, its like a Mickey Finn.

Did you hear the one about the hooker and the little shoe shine boy? Yeah, the little shoe shine boy is shinin’ her shoes, and he’s really getting with it, and he kept lookin’ up her dress at the tattoos on her leg. She said, “well honey, don’t you know those two gentlemen?” Shoeshine says “Yeah, one is Mr., Truman and one’s Mr. Roosevelt, but I don’t know who the feller with the bushy eyebrows is.”
She says “Well that’s John L Louis”

WD: Grampa, what are your thoughts on sports rioting?

Grampa: Shit, I don’t know, they got so much bullshit they ruin the damn town. Shit, in Boston they killed that kid didn’t they?

WD: Yeah.

Grampa: Hmm. Sports writers.

WD: Oh, not sports writers, sports riots

Grampa: Shit, they could use some more of those pepper balls then, on the writers. Well, maybe you guy’s are gonna have another one, so the writers should leave.

WD: Riots, not writers

Grampa: They should arrest the kids they catch rioting. They tear up cars like they was retarded, I’d make em go get their own switch then I’d beat some asses.. shit, I know another good one.

OH, when we got initiated, we had a big shindig, the two captains, told everybody to take their shoes off. They put em in a big sack. Whoever got their shoes out of the bag and put em on got a hundred dollar bill. When people would get close to the bag, the captains would beat the hell out of em, fighting like hell, 200 people trying to get their shoes out of the bag. Maybe they should do that with these damn riots at these sports events. The ones they catch, cops should put their shoes in a bag and have em go at it, let em work their steam off. You understand?

WD: Yes.

Grampa: They’re all drunk anyways, even if they get their shoes out of the bag that buys you another couple of seconds to beat them into not getting their shoes on. Drunks can’t tie laces.

I don’t understand how the NeoCons simultaneously:

• Support the culture of life and defend it at any costs
• believe that only God should / can / is allowed to take a life
• be staunch supporters of capital punishment and the death penalty
• write and sign legislation that unplugs the vegetative patients if they can’t pay for their care
• be adamantly pro-war, hawkish to the point that sanctions and military moves that react in the deaths of hundreds of thousands of innocent people are totally acceptable

I’m honestly curious. How does this work? How can they, as a group, be so adamant about the Culture of Life and the Sanctity of Life and protecting Life and yet be so ready and willing to kill?

If someone can explain it to me, I would be most grateful. Seriously.

Additionally, if someone could explain the whole “Only God can decide when its time for someone to die” vs. “Man-made machines prolonging the dying process indefinitely as the will of God” binary that would be great too. Is it God’s will only when we’ve tried everything possible to fight it off?

So NOW the states are good enough for the Pro-LifeWarriors, now that the Federal courts have “failed”. The Federal courts, mind you, that were forced to intervene by Congress’ recent special private bill powergrab that undermined the judiciary, threw out due process, and busted up Federalism.

The Lifers are staging protests to try and force the Florida state legislators to replace Schiavo’s feeding tube. Staging protests which are so pointed, they are HAVING THEIR OWN KIDS ARRESTED. You already know this if you’re unfortunate enough to be watching the news.

Yes, they are sending their children to try and deliver food and water to Schiavo, knowing full well that this will get their children arrested.

This isn’t any better than the kids that the God Hates Fags crowd drags around with them. I’m all for protesting and civil disobedience and going to jail to prove a point. But your kids? Seriously? How irresponsible can you possibly be?

CNN, I don’t care that you file this story about Satan’s image on a turtle shell in OFFBEAT NEWS. Its still ridiculous.

Why are you even devoting space to this? I mean seriously. You fuckers and your idea of “news” make me want to gouge out my own eyes, set myself on fire, and jump out a window.

UPDATE: I may have been a wee harsh on CNN. On today’s American Morning Jack was awesome and gave the PG version of my situational assessment. XOXO, you guys are still better than Fox.