(Written during the 7 Year Primary of 2008)
Unsatisfied with the current crop of Presidential candidates? My time on the trail has introduced me to some of the alternatives that would love to get your vote.
I.
At the high school reunion
Although I hadn’t spoken to her in years
we were always seriously connected
like good friends
(she assured us)
and another girl’s Libertarian boyfriend
cornered me to talk about Uribe
and Chavistas
and said, alternatively,
“The government should get out of our lives.”
and
“Are we gonna take him out or what?”
I kept drinking, and nodding.
II.
Waitress: “Do you want another bourbon?”
Me: “What do you think?”
She brought me two.
III.
The guy with the crewcut
is a cop now.
Which totally makes more sense than anything else out of the whole night.
IV.
On all fours
and dressed to the
nines, scrubbing the
carpet with an old toothbrush
while Ben Folds sings ‘Evaporated’.
Thankfully, I am medically
unable to see metaphors.
V.
Pal: “Hey, do you remember on New Year’s that one time when that guy passed out and pissed in your bed?”
Me: “I thought that was you.”
Pal: “You’ve been telling people I pissed in your bed for ten years?”
Me: “I thought that was you.”
Pal: “No, that was Matt. I just put him in there.”
Me: “You’re as good as guilty then, and it is going in my book. Read all about it, from Random House: You pissed in my bed.”
Pal: “But that’s not true!”
Me: “Random House has lawyers.”
VI.
She asked me if I
drank scotch and sat behind a
big desk and wrote about politics and stuff
I said, actually, I do
She said, is that fun
I said, I would maybe say it is more interesting than fun
She said, You always seemed like a guy who would think interesting things are fun
I said, How’s your father
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