(Written during the 7 Year Primary of 2008)
Unsatisfied with the current crop of Presidential candidates? My time on the trail has introduced me to some of the alternatives that would love to get your vote.
My Dog Brutus
He is adorable and he promises not to raise taxes.
Fighting Cock Whiskey
The ideological embodiment of combating militant Islamic extremism, filling the void left by Rudy. 9/11.
Me from 1996
Me From 1996 will flam drag us into the 21st Century.
Bunghole Liquors
The mainstream of American recreational thought. Also, a natural ticket-pairing with Fighting Cock Whiskey.
Christian Science
Like Mike Huckabee, but more credible.
The Rad Law Firm
The name speaks for itself. The Rad Law Firm will have the Raddest legislative agenda you ever saw.
A Cat That Looks Like Morgan Freeman
There is a harsh truth to face. No way I’m gonna make it on the outside. All I do anymore is think of ways to break my parole. Terrible thing, to live in fear. Brooks Hatlen knew it. Knew it all too well. All I want is to be back where things make sense. Where I won’t have to be afraid all the time. Only one thing stops me. A promise I made to Andy. A promise to run for President of these United States.
I vote for a Whiskey Liquors ticket.
You have to have the whiskey on the ticket or else it’s not going to play too well in The Heartland.
This is true. But would whiskey be a better VP choice? It does get all mean and spiteful, perfect for a hatchet job.
I vote for the Fighting Cock. It wins over the Hispanic vote.
Whiskey is mean and spiteful? I think that is a slur against hard working Appalachian-American distillers, Sir.
Why do you hate the Appalachians?
Mainly because I lived in NC for 14 years. It brings with it a disdain for those of the mountains :)