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Fail File: McSweeney’s Lists #2

August 24th, 2009 Josh Berthume No comments

Got this back on the Rejection Express today. I think I’m just not getting the tone quite right, even though I think the lists I’m submitting are funny at an appropriately advanced level.

Failed Massively Multiplayer Roleplaying Games
By Josh Berthume

Rappers of the Caribbean – Errrbody on the Boat Gettin’ Scurrrvy

Bob Saget’s Entourage Online

The Aristocrats

Suge Knights of the Round Table

Leverquest

Reconstruction: Tetanus Adventures EX

Making Ends Meat

Oregon Trail 2.0

Air Quotes Marauder

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Categories: Fail File, The Work, The Writing Process Tags:

The Ideal Editor – Writer Relationship: A Chat Log

July 29th, 2009 Josh Berthume No comments
12:57 PM me: happy birthday honger
Are you still in the savage lands?

12:58 PM Joe: No, back in NYC.
How goes it?

me: Compared to what?

12:59 PM Joe: I don’t know. Penury, disgrace?

me: Not bad at all.
I learned a new word while writing a small story for Texas Observer and then didn’t get the chance to use it in the story
1:00 PM Yonic: describing or alluding to the vaginal, the womb. Counterpoint to phallic.

Joe: Lousy word. No onomatopoeia.

me: hahaha

1:01 PM Joe: Only William Buckley could pull that word off.
And he’s dead.

me: That sounds like a challenge.
I got away with ’surfeit’.

1:02 PM Joe: Surfeit is a good word.

me: “Sudden surfeit of earthquakes,” no less

1:03 PM Joe: Thats no good. Too many S’s, for one. Plus it’s not like you can have an accumulation of earthquakes. They’re not like pies. You can have a surfeit of pies.
Spate of earthquakes? Series? String?
1:04 PM Surge?

1:06 PM me: I think, considering surfeit’s root and usage to mean overabundance, you can have a surfeit of earthquakes in some cases, like 5 over seven days centered on a town that had never had seismic activity at all prior to those

Joe: It’s wrong and you know it.

me: and since when is alliteration undesirable? I think it is a lost art
goddammit

Joe: You can’t have an overabundance of earthquakes. One is too much.
One earthquake is an overabundance.

1:07 PM me: But they are tiny adorable earthquakes!

Joe: And earthquakes don’t abound.
I don’t think you can have an overabundance of anything that isn’t a physical thing.
Can you have a surfeit of wind?
ANSWER ME THAT MOTHERFUCKER

1:08 PM me: The crab fishermen on the Bering Sea would say yes
Do you hate America now?

Joe: If they’re illiterate they would.

me: <— lolz
okay fine, I’ll change it

Joe: You went to college so you wouldn’t have to be a crab fisherman.

1:09 PM me: I dislike overabundances of wind

Joe: String of earthquakes works.
Use that.

me: no, I’m going to use spate

Joe: String of intensifying earthquakes? That “ten” sound in the middle really propels it.

me: so you know how emasculated I am

Joe: Feel that rhythm.
1:10 PMAnd there’s a hint of alliteration.
Don’t be emasculated. Just don’t use words incorrectly.
fucker

1:12 PM me: fair enough.

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Drinking Beer The Wrong Way

April 25th, 2009 Josh Berthume No comments

( I have rescued the first two paragraphs of this from something I wrote last summer, something begun and never finished.  The rest is likewise not a real narrative but rather a collection of stuff, much of which is from a notebook I’ve been writing tiny bits in since last century. It is leather-bound and has some sort of Celtic design on the cover. I have always liked the book but the punchline is that I am a terrible diarist.)

It is hot these days. It is the kind of heat that immediately stupefies you, that displaces you from your regularly ordered senses, that makes you wonder where the time went or what that buzzing sound is in your ears. If this heat were sweetness, it would be cloying. If it were fear, we would all be nightmare-paralyzed from the waist down. If it were love, it would be suffocating.
Read more…

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Wish Wires

April 6th, 2009 Josh Berthume No comments

(I don’t normally write poetry that a) rhymes; and b) isn’t funny. Here is an example of a poem that breaks both rules.)

Frayed bends of pages
shuffle from between
the ends of ages:
a notebook, seen

through many years
of a young man’s life;
While you shifted gears
from girlfriend to wife

and watched me grasp
the bare, stripped ends
of a wish by the wires, clasped
and burning in my hands,

what you must know now.
After fifteen years in,
what you must know now.

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Categories: Poetry, The Writing Process Tags:

You Will Enter A Contest. (Duck: che`-on)

March 23rd, 2009 Josh Berthume No comments

I have been collecting literary / writing contests lately, and most of them are pretty cut and dried: type, style, genre, word count, deadline, etc. You do occasionally find something very interesting, though. Geist is a good book, and they have launched an example of such a contest:

The Geist Fortune Cookie Contest
First Prize: $250 | Second Prize: $150 | Third Prize: $100
(more than one prize per category may be awarded)
Honourable Mentions: Swell Geist gifts

Welcome to the Geist Fortune Cookie Contest, the writing contest based on faux wisdom and vague predictions.

Send us a piece of writing inspired by a fortune cookie message. The relationship can be as tangential as you like, as long as there is a connection to the initial fortune cookie prophecy or aphorism.

Isn’t that cool?

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Categories: The Work, The Writing Process Tags:

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