No Surprises, or How I Was Almost Arrested While Covering a College Republicans Convention

September 18th, 2009 Josh Berthume No comments

On March 28, I went to the Capitol Extension in Austin to cover the Texas College Republicans state convention. After waiting outside the hall for several hours, the press secretary brings me into the room, from which almost everyone has departed. He asks me to wait in an interior conference room while they prepare for the press conference and closes the door as he leaves.

After a few minutes, during which I’ve started going over my questions, a state trooper throws open the door, hand on the butt of his gun, and asks me in a too-loud voice to explain what I’m doing here.

“I’m the working press,” I say, “and I’m covering this convention.”

He says, “I’ve gotten several calls about you, about how you’ve been out there for hours harassing people and threatening people, disrupting their meeting.”

He asks for some ID, and I give it to him. He starts calling in my license number. I tell him that in four hours I spoke to no one, save for one guy from whom I bummed a cigarette.  He asks me what publication I write for.

“I’m here for the Texas Observer.”

He looks at me for a second and then says, “I’m gonna go find out who’s in charge.”

He soon comes back with the CR press secretary, who looks terrified. He doesn’t know who made the complaint and it shows. He gives a few breathless answers to rapid-fire questions before saying, “This guy is supposed to be here.”

The trooper hands back my license with some choice words about the prank before leaving. The kid gathers himself and turns to me. “We’re ready to start now,” he says. “We’re ready for you.”

And so my first official interaction with the Texas College Republicans was almost being arrested by a state trooper, who on false reports was chasing the specter of a marauding intruder.

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Night Devils, Down the Hill

September 3rd, 2009 Josh Berthume 2 comments

In 1986, my family lived in Everman, Texas, up on a hill in a rented house at the end of a gravel road. On a cold Sunday near the beginning of spring, a knock at the door revealed Mario, our neighbor, standing on the front porch and looking disconcerted.

“Something killed our dog,” Mario said. “I think it was a mountain lion.”

Mario had a son named Rene. Rene was my best friend at the time by virtue of being the only other kid I knew in a new town. I was worried about him. My father pulled on his coat and told me to stay in the house. I followed along anyways.

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Categories: Short Stories, Long Odds, The Work Tags:

Fail File: McSweeney’s Lists #3

August 27th, 2009 Josh Berthume No comments

Another polite rejection. Some people said they weren’t sure what I was talking about in the last post, about McSweeney’s and Lists and what not, so here is a short explanation:

McSweeney’s is hard to describe because they publish many types of writing, from fiction to poems (sestinas, mainly) to Open Letters to Recipients Not Likely to Respond.  McSweeney’s runs both in print and online, and one of their online sections is called Lists. I have viewed lists as a good way to ‘get in’ to having things published at McSweeney’s, which as I have said before, is analogous to The Paris Review, only for young-ish American smartass writers. I have yet to read something from McSweeney’s in any format or genre that I did not enjoy, and I can’t say that about most places I’ve submitted.

So, done and done. Here’s the other list that didn’t make the cut. In some ways I prefer this one to the last one:

Rejected Viral Internet Video Marketing Campaigns

Oven Cat

Schindler’s Bisque

Guy Wrapped In Cellophane Wearing a Harajuku Mask

Married Couple in a Car Having an Argument of Indefinite Origin and
Subject for Nine Minutes

Unemployment Denial Appeal Hearing

Hamburgers Cooking On a Barrel Fire While Hobos Thumb-Wrestle in the Background

Health Care Reform

Some of these were taken from real life, ripped from the headlines of Stuff That Really Happened Tribune. None of these ideas are as good as This Is My Milwaukee, which is probably why my list was rejected.

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Categories: Fail File, The Work Tags:

Fail File: McSweeney’s Lists #2

August 24th, 2009 Josh Berthume No comments

Got this back on the Rejection Express today. I think I’m just not getting the tone quite right, even though I think the lists I’m submitting are funny at an appropriately advanced level.

Failed Massively Multiplayer Roleplaying Games
By Josh Berthume

Rappers of the Caribbean – Errrbody on the Boat Gettin’ Scurrrvy

Bob Saget’s Entourage Online

The Aristocrats

Suge Knights of the Round Table

Leverquest

Reconstruction: Tetanus Adventures EX

Making Ends Meat

Oregon Trail 2.0

Air Quotes Marauder

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Categories: Fail File, The Work, The Writing Process Tags:

The Ideal Editor – Writer Relationship: A Chat Log

July 29th, 2009 Josh Berthume No comments
12:57 PM me: happy birthday honger
Are you still in the savage lands?

12:58 PM Joe: No, back in NYC.
How goes it?

me: Compared to what?

12:59 PM Joe: I don’t know. Penury, disgrace?

me: Not bad at all.
I learned a new word while writing a small story for Texas Observer and then didn’t get the chance to use it in the story
1:00 PM Yonic: describing or alluding to the vaginal, the womb. Counterpoint to phallic.

Joe: Lousy word. No onomatopoeia.

me: hahaha

1:01 PM Joe: Only William Buckley could pull that word off.
And he’s dead.

me: That sounds like a challenge.
I got away with ’surfeit’.

1:02 PM Joe: Surfeit is a good word.

me: “Sudden surfeit of earthquakes,” no less

1:03 PM Joe: Thats no good. Too many S’s, for one. Plus it’s not like you can have an accumulation of earthquakes. They’re not like pies. You can have a surfeit of pies.
Spate of earthquakes? Series? String?
1:04 PM Surge?

1:06 PM me: I think, considering surfeit’s root and usage to mean overabundance, you can have a surfeit of earthquakes in some cases, like 5 over seven days centered on a town that had never had seismic activity at all prior to those

Joe: It’s wrong and you know it.

me: and since when is alliteration undesirable? I think it is a lost art
goddammit

Joe: You can’t have an overabundance of earthquakes. One is too much.
One earthquake is an overabundance.

1:07 PM me: But they are tiny adorable earthquakes!

Joe: And earthquakes don’t abound.
I don’t think you can have an overabundance of anything that isn’t a physical thing.
Can you have a surfeit of wind?
ANSWER ME THAT MOTHERFUCKER

1:08 PM me: The crab fishermen on the Bering Sea would say yes
Do you hate America now?

Joe: If they’re illiterate they would.

me: <— lolz
okay fine, I’ll change it

Joe: You went to college so you wouldn’t have to be a crab fisherman.

1:09 PM me: I dislike overabundances of wind

Joe: String of earthquakes works.
Use that.

me: no, I’m going to use spate

Joe: String of intensifying earthquakes? That “ten” sound in the middle really propels it.

me: so you know how emasculated I am

Joe: Feel that rhythm.
1:10 PMAnd there’s a hint of alliteration.
Don’t be emasculated. Just don’t use words incorrectly.
fucker

1:12 PM me: fair enough.

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